Are you or your partner saying things out of pain or love?
Is either of you making hollow gestures, saying stuff in overreaction?
If you CAN ACCEPT that you are creating some of the above, congratulations you are doing better than you think!
If on the other hand, you're holding onto pain, resentment, or fear of conflict, it may come out as rage, nasty words, denial, avoidance or lies. (Most of us do this from time to time, but if it's a common pattern read on.)
I had in the end a stormy marriage, where each of us spat out at each other or lied about how we felt not to hurt the other, which ended in a bitter separation, and divorce.
What I've learned, (well one of the many things), is that I did blame my ex a lot, I did lose confidence in myself, and I lost a sense of who I was over the 25-year-old relationship.
I allowed that to happen, I did the best I could from what I thought I knew.
But now 3 years later, I have a respectful relationship with my ex-Paul, we've come a long way. (His puppy sits at my feet as I write this, whilst he is away with his partner.) It feels healthy. My lovely partner has nipped to the shops to buy soup for us to enjoy, my life is truly a gift.
If you're in a committed relationship but have ongoing painful, heavy cycles, check this list and be as open and honest with yourself as you know how to.
How to be open and honest with yourself, so that you can transcend a difficult relationship.
Sit still for 20 mins, practice three rounds of relaxation breaths, then ask these self-enquiry questions, and FEEL the answer lovingly. Maybe read them and then read them again. I hope you are reading this because you want to be a kind, loving, empowered human, who lives from truth and love.
Are you blaming or shaming your partner?
Are you saying one thing to your friends/family and another to them, or even, nothing to them, but you've got a vibe even your dog sees?
Are you bringing in reinforcements by saying stuff like, ' XYZ person said you said blah blah shit blah? ' XYZ people think the same as me', ' I heard you did/said this...'
Are you storing past pain that the other triggers, and then blaming them?
Are you avoiding speaking your truth?
Are you playing RESCUER, VICTIM OR PERSECUTOR?
Do you check their phone, email, online history?
Are you focused on the hard bits, filtering out the easy?
Do you make a mountain out of a molehill with them but not with others?
Do you deny your own needs, wants or dreams?
Are you taking great care of yourself at no cost to the other?
Do you let go of the small medium and big stuff easily?
Do you get upset about the small stuff easily?
Do you make quality time to get support and guidance from a nonbiased source, or do you only share with those who will agree with you?
Is your self-love, self-compassion, self-forgiveness work ongoing or you don't care for that, but expect the other to treat you that way?
If you didn't answer yes to any of these my darling, then you may struggle to feel on the inside or be stuck in a hard pattern of avoidance or denial which are both human protection behaviours. That's ok, you can still make changes, just by owning that, and practising self-kindness, and other kindness. You may have some deep wounds, and I am here for you.
If you answered yes to some, or all, congratulations, you are open to evolving, growing, and really enjoying being a humble human, despite all life's hurts.
If you want help with your self-relationship or your relationship with your significant other, I am right here to help, but be warned, I can only help those who are able to turn and face themselves lovingly.
I will be your mirror, guide, teacher, I will hold you in your transition to your best self, so you can love being in your happiest relationship.
I would love you to comment below and share your thoughts with our community.
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I love working with couples who are aware that there's a potential for a beautiful relationship, if they are both willing to face their individual negative patterns.
Email or call me, this is what I am here for.
Here's what a lovely client said last week.
"Caron, the last couple of sessions have really made a massive difference to me. I feel a seismic shift and today, I feel me again, lighter, brighter, and free. Thank you
Dianne Young, Nelson NZ
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Love Love Caron xox