Stop using the phrase, “It’s a Shame”

The other night, I was invited to an event I would’ve loved to go to. I said I couldn’t make it, and the response was, “Oh, it’s such a shame you can’t come.”

Lately, I’ve been feeling the little punch of that word shame. I’ve been chatting with a few other women who carry their own self-shame, and honestly, so many lovely humans do, which is bananas when you really think about it.

We carry these deep feelings of not-enoughness, often quietly and unfairly.

The roots of the word shame go way back to Old English and Proto-Germanic. It came from words that meant to cover yourself or hide because you felt exposed or unworthy. Back then, shame was tied to public dishonour, a loss of dignity, and wanting to disappear. It’s a word soaked in a long history of judgment and pain.

Of course, when we say “It’s a shame,” we don’t mean all that. We’re usually just trying to express regret or empathy. But language has layers, and sometimes those layers land on someone’s heart without us realising.

Shame is one of those tricky emotions that lives inside us all. It shows up when we feel like we’re not measuring up, when we think we’ve done something wrong, or when the voice in our head starts whispering that we’re simply not enough.

And the wild thing is, a lot of the shame we carry isn’t even ours. It gets passed down from family, culture, old beliefs and the expectations we soak up over time. Shame might think it’s protecting us by making us hide or change, but more often, it just leaves us feeling alone and disconnected.

So let’s gently retire the phrase “It’s a shame.” Not every no or can’t needs to feel heavy or negative.

Here are some lighter, warmer things we can say instead:

•  Miss you

•  Wish you could be there

•  We’ll plan another soon

•  We’ll toast to you on the night

•  We’ll make up for it with extra laughs later

•  We’ll keep your seat warm for next time

•  Your turn to host the fun next round

•  We’ll try not to have too much fun without you

•  We’ll catch up soon and swap stories

•  We’ll celebrate together another day

•  We’ll save some sparkle for when you can join

•  Looking forward to the next one already

•  You’re missed already, but we’ll make more plans

•  Another adventure’s waiting for us

•  We’ll keep the laughter banked for next time

•  That’s okay, you’ll bring the magic next round

  
  

Why bother? Because words shape the space between us. For someone already tender with self-shame, and there are so many beautiful souls carrying that silently, the word shame can sting more than we realise. And for ourselves, using lighter words helps us feel more hopeful and more connected.

I don’t think shame is the kindest or most helpful way to respond. It often adds weight we don’t need.

Real magic happens when we get curious about shame instead of avoiding it. We give ourselves a chance to heal. We can meet that small, scared part of us with kindness, and remind it that we’re already enough.

Shame isn't the best word to use. It carries so much heaviness and negativity, and it doesn’t really help us or others.

Let’s stop using shame in everyday talk. And if you want to take this deeper, to explore how language shapes the way we see ourselves and others, get in touch. 

I’d love to help you find words that lift and include.

Love, love Caron xx

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