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How to stop pretending you're ok....and then feel ok!

Acting as if you know what you're doing is one thing, but pretending you're ok to yourself is another.

The 'fake it till you make it' phrase is a famous saying, suggesting that if you act, dress, or speak a certain way, you will feel it and eventually become what you once faked.

And, I am very much for doing the work, the talk, the setting myself up as if I have everything I need…But, if I ignore the inner fear statements coming from a deeper space inside my chest, I will feel like a faker, even if I'm epic at whatever it is.

Most commonly say, 'I'm fine, good, well' when it's not true. We say yes to things that our deeper call is a no. These mini self-betrayals add up.

My body certainly holds the tension of holding onto my actual truth. Yet, so often, I'm afraid I will be harshly judged, not accepted, and even rejected.

These are things I hear from lovely people I work with too. It's human nature. It's a kind of shield, a survival technique. But it's outdated, like by about thousands of years.

We once needed to fit in, adapt, allow control to survive indeed, and have food, shelter, and safety.

But we don't need to do that anymore.

And again, yes, it's sometimes an excellent way to get ahead, act confident, wear the clothes, be somewhere you feel uncomfortable and pretend you're all good. But absolute confidence comes when we admit we are scared when we need help, and we do the work, the deep inner work of owning our desire to be something else.

"Acting as if" can be a powerful tool for manifesting desired outcomes and building confidence. However, balancing this approach with practical actions and a realistic assessment of one's abilities and resources is essential.

Acting as if is a cognitive and behavioural technique that involves intentionally behaving and thinking as if a specific desired outcome has already been achieved or a particular trait or characteristic is already possessed. It's a tool I teach for personal growth and self-improvement.

For example

if someone wants to become more confident in social situations, they might try

to act as if they are already confident by speaking up, making eye contact, and

engaging in conversation with others. By behaving in this way, they may begin

to feel more confident and eventually develop that trait more fully.

But the key is it's ok to do this if you have listened to the deeper emotional response.

For example:

Friend A –"How are you?"

Friend B – Programmed response "I'm good, thanks; how are you?" (But there's a deeper chat going on)

Friend B afterthought- "I'm not so good today", "I didn't sleep well ", I am worried about my finances".

And often, friend A will move on talking about themselves, or if you are lucky, ask you more about how you are.

I acknowledge this within myself if I say I'm ok when not because it isn't worth saying anything. I may recognize this internally if I'm upset, knowing something has been triggered. I will return to the wound to do the deeper work. That's another story.

1. I am calm and relaxed.

2. No, I'm not, I'm tense and anxious, and I hate feeling like this

Which voice do you think has the most power?

Yes, the afterthought it's running the show from behind the curtain.

So, no matter what you say, the deeper fear will most likely drive your feelings.

What to do, then?

Sit quietly for a moment and close your eyes.

Repeat a statement to yourself that you don't fully embody but you would like to.

Example - 'I am wealthy; all is good'.

Then tune into the afterthought, the fear-based driver.

It may say something to the contrary.

Example "No, you aren't, and you have no idea what you're doing; you're an idiot."

Pretty harsh, eh?

The afterthought has the bite, the stronger emotion, and that's how we roll.

  • So, hear the afterthought, allow it, and welcome it even.

  • Talk back to the afterthought with compassion, no more fear.

  • Acknowledge it; like a small child having a tantrum, it's just fear trying to get your attention for something that's not been healed or learned.

  • Thank it, "thank you for trying to protect me; I'm ok, even though I'm scared, I'm ok."

  • Challenge the negative thoughts that your fear voice is telling you. Then, ask yourself nicely if these thoughts are really true or if there is another perspective you can take.

  • Reassure that fearful voice that you are capable and strong and can handle whatever comes your way.

  • Plan a few small actions, drink some water, stretch, go for a walk, and have a few simple things you can do to soothe the fear voice.

  • Practice self-compassion: Remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for feeling afraid or having negative thoughts. Instead, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend.

  • Start by acknowledging that your fear voice is just a part of you, and it's ok to be afraid. Thank your fearful voice for trying to protect you, but let it know that you are in control.

By talking back to your fear voice with positive and affirming statements, you can help yourself to overcome fear and anxiety and approach challenging situations with greater confidence and resilience.

Start small by noticing when you are saying something untrue, and smile.

You don't have to tell everyone everything, that would be a funny world.

But work on telling yourself and knowing you aren't hiding your truth from yourself.

I acknowledge this within myself if I say I'm ok when not because it isn't worth saying anything. I may recognise this internally if I'm upset, knowing something has been triggered. I will return to the wound to do the deeper work. That's another story.

In short, listen to your default reaction, and tune into the deeper afterthought because that needs your attention, compassion, and work.

Don't fake it to yourself.

Email me for help and guidance with this transformational work. It could be the best thing you ever did for your personal or professional development.

Click here to contact me, and I will give you 50% off your first session!

Love C xx

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